Sending the first message on an online dating site or app is kind of an art form. Not like a real art, where people pay you money to be around, but one that, if approached correctly, can make a member of the opposite sex really want to see you naked. Actually, it’s better than real art.

Although my brain knows this, my first news game requires a lot of work. That’s why I asked some of my female experts to critique a series of actual first messages I had sent to some ladies via the online dating app OKCupid.

Why? Because this ever-burning tire fire of my life could consume more and more fuel and I am all about sharing wisdom.

So, who have I managed to argue with?

Alex Sim-Wise is a journalist and presenter who has covered just about everything there is to say about relationships and sex and can currently be found on Patreon where she does stuff for money.

Stephanie Soh Is AskMen own Staff Writer and has to put up with me mopping around the work kitchen when a girl hasn’t reported back to me.

Natalie Spear is probably my oldest partner and has witnessed every one of my ultimately failed relationships.

Sarah Morgan Is extremely funny comedy writer who sometimes pretends to laugh at my jokes in the pub because she is so nice.

Maria Grace Is a young adult novelist who is also my sister. What could possibly go wrong with that?

So there are the ladies who are now judging the deeply embarrassing and genuine first messages I sent to a group of unsuspecting women on OKCupid to convince them to acknowledge my existence.

The lady who liked her mother and sauce

This is probably the most horrible. I don’t know what I thought, but since it aired at 11:46pm, I was probably pissed.

Sarah: I don’t see why that’s bad, unless it’s code. Or she didn’t actually say anything about gravy and her mother. Then you sound like a neglectful murderer. You’ve shown that you’ve read her profile and are giving a compliment that isn’t about her face or her tits, which are all good things.

Steph: That’s very good. You said that she made you laugh instead of focusing on her looks like many men do, and the fact that you’ve already shown that you can have a laugh before you’ve met is promising.

Natalie: ‘Well done’! I laughed really loud when I saw that. Oh, wait, you’re serious, go ahead… [as I’m sure she did].

Mary: It’s kind of sweet. Mostly because I like sauce. Plus the thumbs up emoji is nice and PC.

Alex: You should have just sent her a picture of you counting the gravy-covered money and said, What do you think about this shit, Sheila? I would have replied.

The nerdy girl

This girl is waaaaay above my fighting weight BUT she has a massively nerdy profile and wrote about Harley Quinn / Suicide Squad So I thought I would risk my arm.

Alex: Dude, she’s a 27% match, that’s like a two star movie on Netflix! Such a gamble. All the birds think they are Harley Quinn. I’d be more impressed if she wrote about me being obsessed with nothing. Beans. Nightmares. Children’s eggs. No, no. Insist.

Steph: I would start to question your sense of humor: Does he love Adam Sandler? Does he think he does? Little Britain is the climax of the comedy?

Sarah: What did she say? Suicide Squad ? I think it’s risky to go in with a negative opinion about a movie because positivity is always nice, but if this girl is negative Suicide Squad Only then did you rightly agree with what she said. What is more important, what do you actually calculate or wet your beard?

The shark hat lady

This lady has a shark hat on and had a lot written about sharks in her profile, so I liked her right away. It is important to know that I have some information about Bill Murray in my profile.

Natalie: Weak!!! I doubt your commitment to this one, you probably came across it a few beers in and thought, ‘funny hat… Yeah, why not?’

Steph: You’re commenting on something whimsical and in-character like a shark hat instead of saying nice tits, so that’s a positive.

Alex: I hate Bill Murray movies is a deal breaker and a lot more flinch. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.

Sarah: She hates Bill Murray movies. Fuck her in the blowhole. Gav, we found the one woman in the world you’re too good for. Run.

The hannibal fan

Again, I had no business messaging this girl because she looked better than a million of me BUT she mentioned Hannibal in her profile and I was literally watching Hannibal at the time. It should be obvious.

Mary: Shudder like f ** k. You kind of sound like stalkery. Or that you’re lying just to start a chat. I like that you used the word ‘penultimate’. It shows that you may not be fat.

Sarah: When I said I liked Hannibal and someone sent me a happy message about liking Hannibal I would answer: probably something about how great Hannibal Is, or a funny quote from the show, like I can smell your c * nt! LOL! (I have not seen it Hannibal but I imagine he says it’s like his catchphrase all the time, right?)

Alex: I wouldn’t come back to this, not because it’s bad news, but because it’s a bit forgettable / not urgent enough to distract me from jerking off Mollie does Magazine.

Jenny: Haha! Love your enthusiasm, but stinks a bit like an overexcited child! Calm the love!

The tea drinker

This lady had a lot of stuff about tea and tea drinking in her profile, which normally means I would have banned her immediately, BUT I really liked her hair.

Jenny: Sweet flirting about your shared love of tea! Definitely worth a reply, if only to find out your unconventional methods.

Sarah: You show that you read her profile and took in the information. You didn’t just smear your penis across the screen in her photos. You’re a little boastful, but boastful with tea. It’s hard to sound like a jerk when you’re boasting about tea.

Mary: The message to her is kind of edgy, but not creepy, so that’s fine.

Alex: This message sounds like you want to give her a tea bag.

The good life lady

Our last girl mentioned The good life THREE TIMES in her profile. As if I would not notify / marry her.

Steph: Yes that is very good. If I mentioned something dark in my profile and someone was also excited about it, I would be like HE IS THE ONE. Tell me your address so I can send the ring. ‘

Alex: These websites are so hard, everyone just sounds like psychos. Modern life is garbage.

Natalie: Done! That’s cute and cool at the same time. I kind of hope you marry her.

Sarah: I think you should marry her and let Felicity Kendall do the wedding.

So conclusions. To be fair, I’m pretty happy with these reviews. I was preparing for a much more brutal assessment, but then I’m still single, this is probably the wildest assessment of all.