From ‘ghosting’ to ‘breadcrumbing,’ these are the dating slang words that need to die. As with many aspects of modern life, it’s hard to admit that when the Internet could have reached a wondrous new frontier for communication, reality has fallen a bit short. Instead of a VR Tower of Babel with a thousand tongues pushing each other to new heights of eloquence, we’ve reached a point where 90% of online communication seems to be due to Oxbridge-educated Brits claiming to be af lit rn, liberal use of the questioning emoji to discuss events of enormous geopolitical importance, and endless variations of Harambe LOL.
But perhaps the language of Shakespeare, Milton, and Joyce was nowhere as bad as in the world of dating. Try to ignore the sound of our literary ancestors turning over in their graves as we go over the phrases and terms that need to be removed from dating language, if the birth rate of this country has any chance of avoiding total collapse in the next generation .
1. Christmas transfer
The current relevant time period before the Christmas period really begins where it is acceptable for today’s Sir Walter Raleighs to dismiss his partner. The logic is that it is too cruel to end a relationship over Christmas. The reality is that pretty much anyone with a pulse will feel that the kind of person who uses this language will carry them away and hopefully touch them in an embarrassingly public way on Christmas Eve when they’re miles from home. Fun fact: Christmas transfer used to be known for growing a pair of nuts and finishing things at the right time, as you should.
AKA the sudden, aggressive pursuit of a winter partner When the nights roll in, before you emotionally handcuff them so you’re not left alone through the dreary, cold months. This term is a classic example of how men find an aggressive-sounding macho name to justify doing something perfectly nice. Basically, winter is indescribably bleak if you live on a tiny, rain-swept, permanently angry island in the North Sea. And if you want to make it work by mating, living off fried potatoes, putting on two rocks, taking nice walks, and falling asleep before Countryfile Like an older St. Bernard, it’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to try to make it like a pathetic MRA moron. Embrace the cuddles.
Ghosting is the sudden cessation of all contact with someone you’ve been seeing, in the mistaken belief that it makes you seem romantic, but somewhat troubled: “She’ll be happier without me in the world Long term, I honestly know it, one day she’ll thank me, much like Luton’s response to Drake. Unfortunately, you didn’t take into account that you still work in the same office as her, that hiding behind photocopiers is not a sustainable long term strategy, and she’s now updated Facebook to inform everyone that you’re a fucking weird sociopath who won I’m not giving her stuff back, but I did drunkenly send her a candid photo at 4am last weekend, along with a winking face made out of a semicolon and a parenthesis.
4. Netflix and Chill
Wow, these shows are great! A disturbed 11 year old who keeps bleeding from his nose before drowning in a flotation tank, and then a drama about drug smuggling in Latin America where someone gets raped by a narcotics squad and then plays soccer with a rival dealer head! What do you mean you’re not in the mood anymore?
5. Leave On Seen
The complaint that someone has cut off electronic communication by not replying to a message that you know they have seen but not acknowledged. This needs to be removed from the lexicon, if only for the reason that all conversations need to end at some point, and unless you’re seriously willing to spend months in an endless exchange of crazy pleasantries with someone from Tinder who may not even use their own photo sooner or later, one of you is going to have to virtually hang up. Yes, it’s a shame to be the person who dangles, but in the grand scheme of things, you weren’t insulted too much. Swipe right already and continue.
Another case of you inventing a term that sounds like you’re engaged in covert, spy-level behavior, navigating the sexual minefield with a complex arsenal of psychological tricks at your alpha male disposal. In reality, you’re fending off your bored insecurity by staying vaguely in touch with someone you think is even less confident than you are, and sweeping him away in case you need a sex/relationship fix.
7. The Aubergine Emoji, Paired With The Spurting Water One And Employed To Obscenely Graphic Effect
Seriously, the world has gone to the bloody dogs.