How to recovery after a breakup? Breaking up is a difficult task for guys. We should have this alpha male status where we are resilient to emotion, loss, and change. But that’s completely wrong. Flawed in all cases.
Boys are vulnerable creatures. We often have a harder time with breakups because we have nowhere to turn to properly process them and move on. Women have built more networks of emotional venting with their friends and family. Guys don’t usually talk about it with their friends. So we don’t have a release valve to talk about our breakups.
Suffice it to say, it’s a difficult process for a guy to go through. What follows is the ultimate playbook for getting over your ex the right way and taking the opportunity to develop into the best possible version of yourself.
It all starts with a basic but very difficult principle: you just have to let it happen. The emotions you feel will rock your world. You have become emotionally and chemically dependent on your ex, so it’s almost like going off a drug.
The five phases
Bottling up these feelings and emotions or trying to hide from them only delays healing. Separation from a significant other is exactly the same process as grieving the death of a loved one. This was a study started decades ago by psychologist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Her research found that you have to go through five stages to properly grieve your relationship. A bit morbid, isn’t it? But important.
First of all, you will be in a state of denial. You are thinking, how could this happen to me? Even though you rationally realize that the relationship is over, your heart is not ready to let it go and holds on to the glimmer of hope that it is not really gone.
At this stage, it is important to Interrupt communication with your ex . Do a digital detox that blocks them on social channels and get them out of sight and mind. Otherwise, you will be tempted to convince yourself that you can still be together.
Then comes a wave of anger. You’re angry at them, yourself, their friends, your friends. It’s not necessarily for rational reasons. It’s okay to go through the anger. Just be aware of how it’s being channeled. You don’t want to bottle it up, so you have to find healthy ways to get it out. For me, it’s the gym. Take it out on the bench press instead of waiting for anger to erupt at the wrong time.
As the anger subsides, your mind begins to negotiate with the past, trying to justify a reason for reconnecting. You think maybe there is a way to figure this out, or if only we had gone to couples therapy, we could have solved these problems. They hold on to the idea that there is still a way to make things right. At this point, it is absolutely important to severely limit communication. You can easily come off as desperate and even crazy at this stage. It is not time to enter the friend zone with her either. Keep your place and know that this too shall pass.
This is where it gets dark. You were in shock and are angry, confused, and irrationally optimistic. Now the sadness sets in. You feel sorry for yourself. Small tasks like getting up or going to the mall seem like a tedious act to be avoided at all costs. The most important aspect here is that you have to go through it. Sadness will come and you need to feel it.
Acknowledge your feelings. Imagine your mind floating out of your body and watching yourself. Acknowledge the feelings you are going through in a rational way. Sadness, I see you. I respect you. But you won’t be around forever and you are certainly not what defines me. This simple trick to gaining awareness helps bring perspective that these feelings are temporary.
Surround yourself with the right people: Friends and family who love you. Maybe some you haven’t seen in a while. Visit. It’s equally important to stay away from toxic friends. Ones that encourage you to do drugs and drink a ton. Stay clear during this phase. Keep it natural.
I would also recommend seeing a therapist. I was a little hesitant before I started my healing program, but it was the best decision I ever made. Dr. Jack made me realize many things that were critical to understanding myself and moving in a positive direction.
The final phase. Finally, you come to terms with the fact that your life is moving on. Hopefully, you now have closure and can seal the envelope on your last relationship and move on to greener pastures.
You will eventually be ready to forgive your ex and even thank her for the experience you had together. She probably had a big impact on who you are and you learned a lot from it. So be grateful for what that has done for you.
The New You: Rediscovery and Redefinition
You’ve been through the hard part. Now you can have fun. The beauty of a breakup is that you have a completely blank canvas to work from. During your relationship, your personality was probably heavily influenced by it. Now you have the opportunity to dig deep and rediscover what you are about and who you want to be. This is a chapter in your life that you get to write.
It’s important not to get back into a relationship too quickly. It’s healthy to meet new women to feel back in the game, but I usually recommend at least 4 to 6 months before anything serious happens. Focus on yourself now and build up your mind, body and spirit. Once these three areas are re-energized, you will have a new way of life with a new sense of confidence and awe.
1. Your mind
The brain is a strange, spectacular, dynamic and powerful organ. The way you perceive the world affects who you are. You are able to change the perceptual lens that shapes your reality. So let’s make a positive change.
You need to remember be nice to yourself and realize what a great guy you are. Your internal dialogue should be positive. It’s easy to get caught up in negativity and question things about yourself after a breakup, but chances are you have some righteous qualities to remember. A great exercise is to repeat positive affirmations every morning. This can completely change the way you see yourself and ultimately the world around you.
Gratitude is another practice that can completely change your outlook on life. Every morning when I wake up, I write down three things I am grateful for. The roof over my head. The greens in my smoothie. The love of my parents. My close friends. Life is truly a blessing, and when you adopt a positive practice of expressing your gratitude, you begin to focus on the positives and cast aside the negatives.
This practice fits well with journaling. I didn’t start writing to help guys get through breakups. I started a journal to document my thoughts and successes in the area of personal growth after my divorce, and then found that the content could be used to help others.
It is very therapeutic to put what is in your mind in writing. It allows you to articulate your thoughts very clearly and then observe what they mean and what you can learn from them. It is also very interesting to go back and read your journal entries from the past. It is helpful to revisit how you felt and realize how much you have grown.
2. Your body
The mind and body work together in amazing ways, so it’s hard to tell the two apart. How you think affects how you feel, and how you approach health affects what you think.
One of the most effective tools I’ve had to get over a breakup is the gym . Exercise is a natural antidepressant that helps you feel right, get back into a solid routine, and become more confident overall. Whether you prefer weights, Crossfit, yoga or endurance sports, it doesn’t matter. Pick something that challenges you and makes you sweat, and incorporate it into your life.
Nutrition is just as important, if not more important, than exercise. Regardless of how many reps you perform on the squat rack, nutrition will ultimately control how you look and feel. Keep it clean with natural whole foods that don’t contain many ingredients you can’t even pronounce. You will begin to think much more clearly, release excess pounds, and generally feel better.
So start small, but start today. Set some physical goals, whether you want to look better in a tank top, run nine laps in the boxing gym or run a 7-minute mile. Setting yourself a healthy challenge is a great way to get over your ex.
3. Your soul
For the purposes of this discussion, I will define soul as the inner essence that defines you – what makes you who you are. Now is the perfect time to get back in touch with yourself.
A good exercise is to establish a personal mission statement. Re-examine your PFE (Purpose For Existence). Once you can address it, it can give your life more meaning and make decisions much easier. For Walt Disney it was to make people happy; Richard Branson’s is to have fun on my journey through life and learn from my mistakes. Think about what yours can be, and then live and breathe it every day.
If you haven’t created one yet, create a bucket list. Think of all the amazing things you want to accomplish in life and write them down. Then take the first step to crossing one off the list. Seriously, now. Even if it’s small. If you want to visit each of the 7 wonders of the world, look for flights. Just keep moving and you’ll be moving in the right direction.
Find other ways to enrich your soul by giving back to the community, surrounding yourself with amazing people, and traveling to far-flung destinations to give your life perspective. Understand who you want to be and what you want to achieve and take steps in a positive direction every day.
So there you have it. A simple but effective playbook to get a handle on your breakup. Go through the emotions, let the emotions run through you. It will be a journey, but you will have to go through each stage to fully process the loss of your ex.
Then do it right by you. You have a clean slate to rediscover and redefine your own unique appeal. Focus on things that enrich your mind, body and spirit. When you do this, you create a natural, positive energy and aura that is irresistible to women, and finding your true soulmate happens much more organically. Good luck out there and you got this!
Back out there
Do you feel ready to start dating again? If the breakup happened recently, that might not be such a good idea. However, if it’s been a while since you broke up and you’re looking for someone who’s in a relationship – or if you just want to casually keep up and see what’s out there – online dating is the best way to do that Das. With that in mind, here are three great online dating options that can help you find the right person (or people) for you without having to filter through countless fake profiles and uninteresting, incompatible people.