Dirty pickup lines that work, from good to righteous smutty. If there’s one phrase everyone should have in their dating armory, it’s an excellent chat-up line. Like a well-tailored three-piece suit, the best pickup lines can greatly increase the odds of whether you make it from the bar to the bedroom. But how do you go about demonstrating that you’re a guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously and make her want to get into the process (which, as we all know from the romantic success of comic books, is a guaranteed aphrodisiac) instead of making her flee faster than.

Fortunately for you, psychologists have been looking for effective pickup lines. In the 1980s Chris Kleinke and colleagues analyzed the effectiveness of 100 pickup lines in a variety of settings, including bars, supermarkets, restaurants, laundromats, and beaches. They found three main categories of openers: direct chess moves that are honest and to the point (e.g., ‘I’m a little shy, but I’d like to get to know you’), innocuous chess moves that a hide a person’s true intentions (‘e.g., What do you think of this band? ‘), and cute/flippy chess moves that involve dirty humor but are often corny (e.g., ‘Hey baby, you have a beautiful chase. Mind if I look under the hood? ‘.)

It turns out that women perceive men who use this last category of pickups as more gregarious, confident, and fun study . But before you start dishing out the dirt that awaits slam dunks, you should know that women also perceived men who used the cute/flirty/dirty category as less trustworthy and intelligent. Probably because dirty pickup lines are a sure signal to them that your strategy is short term.

You have to be careful. The Internet (and Tinder) are full of ideas for pickup lines. However, if you’re looking for something long-term, avoid the dirt. Otherwise, get down and dirty with it. Here’s the AskMen Smut-O-Meter for the best chat-up lines we could find.

Dirt-free starters

If you think about it, even an ice-breaking “hello, cute dress” counts as a chat-up line. It may not be particularly original or inspired, but it falls into the ‘harmless moves’ category. If you’ve already made eyes and believe she’s really just waiting for an advance, an innocent compliment will certainly work better than the infamous ‘game’ neg – ‘you’re cute, but that dress doesn’t suit you’.

Other dirt-free (and pretty harmless) appetizers you could try:

• ‘I’ve never been here before, what’s good on the menu?’
• ‘Since we’re both sitting alone, would you like to join me?’
• ‘Overweight polar bear!’ 

A bit more cheeky

Of course, if you’re known for being a sassy guy, a far better offer than immediately offering another margarita starts with ‘Hi, can I buy you several drinks?’ Meanwhile, if you want a real conversation starter, opt for this somewhat thought-provoking line: ‘Some people say this is a meat market – what kind of meat would you say you were?’

Other openers:

• ‘Is it hot in here or is it just you?’
• ‘Besides being beautiful, what do you do for a living?’
• ‘Do you know what this T-shirt is made of? Friend material.’

Smut ahoy!

If you’re the type who doesn’t want to beat around the bush but gets over it, you won’t shy away from a direct mention of sex. Still, there is a way to do it without resorting to ‘Is it just me or does this handkerchief smell like chloroform?’ Fall back on. (It’s excellent, I admit, but you have to look as creepy as Ryan Gosling to pull it off).

• ‘There are 206 bones in the human body. Do you want another one?’
• ‘My parents always told me to follow my dreams. So can I follow you home?’

Dirt Overload

Check out this beauty that was actually tried out on a friend of mine: ‘Would you like to cut a bastard in half?’ Needless to say, they both remained child-free. However, she laughed so hard in his face that he may have become infertile for life.

Likewise, I would say that these are over the line:

• ‘Were you born on a chicken farm?’ Because you sure as hell know how to lift a tail.’
• ‘Girl, are you a washing machine? Because I want to put my dirty load in you.’
• ‘Do you have home insurance? Because I’m going to break down your back doors.’

Don’t be surprised if she comes back with something similarly direct. ‘Oh, you make me feel so naughty, like I could hide a body.’