It often feels like the whole world is falling apart along with the relationship. That’s usually not the case, but it’s almost impossible to believe this when you’ve just broken up. Breaking up is a terrible stressor, and you have to know how to get through it. The main task during this time is to take care of yourself, relieve the heartache, and get back to normal. You probably have no idea now how to go on living if a man has left you. But I will tell you how people most often go through a breakup with a loved one, how to step back, distract yourself, recover, and finally start living again.
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How to get over a breakup with the man you love
Different girls come to terms with the breakup of a relationship in different ways – mostly because they handle their pain and sadness differently. Some cry on their best friend’s shoulder for a long time, some don’t leave the house and don’t want to see anyone, some go off and rock out so that there’s no time or energy left for grief (or for the same purpose, plunge into work or school), and some immediately start a new relationship.
None of these ways can be condemned because the man is acting to the best of his ability at this time. But the most useful thing is to let yourself grieve, grieve over a relationship that has gone away, draw conclusions, and slowly get back to life. It’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s the only way to save yourself from dancing on a rake called “relationship confusion with your ex,” which risks starting at any moment and dragging you down. If you are all back, then read the article how to fall in love with a man, and if you have definitely decided to forget everything, then read on.
It’s very difficult to cope if you’ve broken up very recently. But you have to take care of yourself and stick to your chosen strategy to get through the separation and not break down. Here are a few ways:
- Allow yourself to grieve. For as long as it takes, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of paper handkerchiefs, and absolutely no constructive thoughts-allow yourself to do that. You need to cry to let your emotions out. Don’t go overboard with mourning: you’re unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts of your ex and sadness won’t go anywhere yet, but you’ll start doing something else.
You’ll be able to work, study, succeed, party, enjoy life, and even get into other relationships. This is what grieving is all about. Don’t be afraid or avoid it – it’s the only way to fully experience the departure of a boyfriend and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
- Feel the state of being “at the bottom.” At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring meaninglessly out the window, you’ll realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. It’s a scary moment, but it’s the moment after which you can begin to move upward. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this position is not eternal, which means that it is time to rise from the bottom.
- Find support in yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure you truly have only you. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how disturbing and sad it may sound. You need to feel like you are your own best friend, mother, and best comforter.
You need to find the strength in yourself to get through a difficult phase. And to do that, you have to take care of yourself, love you, and pamper you a little bit. Remember yourself as a child and think about what someone close to you would do if you saw you in such a state. Would they put you on their lap, comfort you, give you something yummy, tell you something good, cheer you up? Feel the warmth of the kind of care you can receive. And that you can give yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope.
- Don’t blame. If the breakup was initiated by a guy, you’ll probably start thinking that you’re not good enough. And if you decide to break up, you’ll feel guilty. Try to avoid both. Do not blame yourself for what you did or did not do. Do not blame your partner. You’re in a situation where you realized you can’t be together for some important reason – and that’s good, even if it’s sad news.
It’s better to break up with unsuitable people. Be mad at yourself or the guy if you feel like it, but don’t let the anger turn to guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It’s not your fault. And this breakup doesn’t make you the worst person or the one who failed. Remember that, don’t deny your worth.
- Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, but advice to remember the other people you love and appreciate. Professor of psychophysiology Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive response”–those moments when we feel a heart connection and warmth toward other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something nice from them or just words of comfort is invaluable support when you’re breaking up.
- Do something for yourself. Life often changes after a breakup – and it’s worth taking advantage of that. Listen to yourself: maybe you will have new interests. Or there will be time and opportunity to do things that you could not do in a relationship. Take up a new hobby, take up self-education – it will help distract you. Find a interest group – social interaction will be therapeutic for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions.
You can set yourself a quest to try all the “napoleons” in town, or take up another non-serious activity that brings pleasure. As you have a new experience, you’ll notice that you feel a sense of loss as well as freedom.
- Re-arrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, it’s time to readjust your life to suit you. You’ve probably planned something with your partner that doesn’t seem relevant now. Think about what you would like to accomplish from the point you are in now. Dream about it. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
- Face reality. You’ll probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get it all back, see that he’s suffering too and wants you back. Meet with him or talk to him on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship – neither of you have changed for this and are not going to change. These kinds of confrontations are necessary to let the person go faster. They are painful, but they are important for letting go of your own hopes.
Psychologist tips for girls.
A lot about how to be after a breakup, according to psychologists, said in the previous paragraph – these are valid ways to get through a difficult period and come out of it a healthy, whole person, ready to continue living. But there are a few more tips on how to stop suffering if a boyfriend has fallen out of love.
- Get rid of reminders of the past. Throw away or put away things that remind you of your boyfriend. If he left any of his things behind, get rid of them first.
- If you’re angry – print and burn the photos of the two of you together. Do something demonstrative that will help you believe in the breakup yourself. If the burning photos make you want to cry, don’t hold back. It’ll work out even better that way.
- Do, eat, wear what annoyed your partner and liked you. Give yourself a triumph of freedom.
- Update something. A haircut, a closet, linens, or even where you live. Help yourself experience the “before” and “after” milestones.
- Take care of your appearance. Do it with pleasure – enjoy a beautiful manicure, spa, spectacular outfits and bright makeup. Just because you don’t have to do it for someone, you and your pleasure are reason enough. Don’t let yourself go after a breakup.
- Communicate. With friends, on the Internet, on forums, in interest groups, or even in therapy groups. You don’t have to suffer proudly alone – with community and support, things will go easier.
- Burn Bridges. Not only get rid of common belongings, but also delete his phone number and don’t go on his social media profile. Leave the past in the past and feel it out.
- Get over it. Even if it seems to you that you broke up by mistake, that the reason is not so serious – accept the person’s decision, respect him. Firmly accepting his position will help you hold on if the ex decides to come back and try to drag you into the vortex of the same relationship with the same problems.
- Rebirth. Feel sorry for yourself at first, when you need care. But don’t forget that you were not born to be miserable. Stay away from the position of victim, believe in your own strength, and allow yourself to act in your own best interest.
- Do good deeds. Help your friends and parents, do something nice for people on the street. Volunteer at an event, help an animal shelter, take part in an action that protects someone’s rights. When we do good things, we feel joy.
- Get involved in sports. After a breakup, our brain produces a lot of cortisol, a stress hormone that makes us feel tired and sluggish. Sport can help lower cortisol levels and pump adrenaline and endorphin into the bloodstream. They are the ones responsible for energy and good mood.
What mistakes should not be made
On the trail of post-breakup survival, it’s easy to take a wrong turn, to waste time and energy on something that will end up doing nothing to help, if not making it worse.
Sign up on the dating site MeetKing and look for a new guy. And, to get over the breakup in a healthy way, learn what not to do:
- Don’t chase your thoughts away. Think whatever you want, let whatever comes into your head exist. Sooner or later you will give up those thoughts when you realize that they have no place in reality. Thinking is not harmful. It is harmful to realize what you have in mind at such moments.
- Don’t get into other relationships. You are in an imbalance and need attention, warmth, and affection, but because of emotional confusion, you don’t seem like the real you. New love looks like a great opportunity to forget, but in all likelihood it will end in more misery.
- Don’t push your feelings or berate yourself for them. Don’t think you’re a sentimental fool, don’t forbid yourself to feel what’s happening to you, don’t run from it.
- Don’t hang out on your ex’s profile for hours, looking at his photos and notes.
- Don’t play Mrs. Marple or look for reasons to break up. Don’t set up a stakeout that will help you determine whether he’s out there pounding in longing and agony or already having a good time.
- Don’t strive to dramatically demonstrate on social media how you’re doing great. It’s a cheap trick that no one buys into anymore.
- Don’t write huge letters in your or his profile about everything you think about him and your relationship. Writing such letters is helpful, but it’s better to either keep them to yourself or burn them.
- Don’t pour mud on him. You were together, you chose him. So by insulting him, you’re insulting your choice and yourself.
- Don’t start partisan wars. Don’t divide your mutual friends into his and yours, don’t try to turn them against him.
Now you’re up to speed and know what mistakes you shouldn’t make. To finally get over your abuser, check out the best dating sites, look for a new guy, and never remember your ex.
Tell us in the comments:
- What do you usually enjoy yourself with after a breakup?
- How long have you been sad?
- What thoughts help you come to your senses?