Yeah, yeah. It’s completely true that online dating labored out fairly effectively for me, finally. But having given it some thought, I needed to return clear with you about one thing. It’s not like each single date was a blissful stream of perfection.
Sure, I met a number of nice ladies and had a blast for a number of years…culminating in assembly Emily on Match.com. But alongside the way in which, particularly in the beginning, I actually encountered my share of typically hilarious and typically downright nightmarish conditions.
Here are the 4 most memorable ones:
1) Not What The Doctor Prescribed
Very shortly after my divorce in 1992, I acquired a “spam” message in my inbox that I really responded to. Believe it or not, I hadn’t even heard of online dating earlier than. This advert claimed I may meet the lady of my desires on their web site, so I used to be intrigued.
The subsequent factor you realize, I had ponied up nevertheless a lot they charged and started wanting by way of the images of girls that they had listed.
To be trustworthy, this was not precisely probably the most well-traveled web site on the ‘web. Who knew there was a Match.com on the market? So inevitably, I discovered precisely one girl who appeared fascinating to me-a brown-eyed blondie with a pleasant smile.
I emailed her, in all probability with one thing lame like “You seem nice. Maybe we could get along. Would you like to talk?”. Remember, this was Day One for me within the online dating world.
Call it “beginner’s luck, but she wrote back. Crazy, huh?
Well, one thing led to another, and there we were sitting across the table from one another at dinner. The fact that I shouldn’t have been paying for dinners here has long since been duly noted and is sort of beside the point, so please overlook that for now and read on.
Midway through dinner, she starts talking about her medical problems.
Never talk about your medical problems on a first date. I don’t care if you’ve known the person for ten years, let alone ten minutes.
Between bites of whatever I was eating, she was bragging about how she had chronic kidney stone issues and how tough she was for being able to pass them without even flinching nowadays.
Unfortunately, she took my casual attempt to divert the discussion as disbelief.
“You do not imagine I get kidney stones? Here…look…”
Already having started digging in her purse, she soon produced a small medicine vial.
I thought to myself, “This chick must be kidding. I imagine her, already. She does not must show her case by exhibiting me her prescription.”
I should have been so lucky.
Pressing down and twisting the child-proof cap, the bottle opened and the contents were soon poured into her hand.
“See, have a look at this…it must be a minimum of the scale of a pea, proper?”
With a freshly French-manicured thumb and forefinger, she produced the largest unit from an impressive collection of similar objects she was holding.
Yes. It was the largest kidney stone she had ever passed.
This woman collected her kidney stones. And she took them with her everywhere, apparently.
I don’t remember what I said or did, really. But I do remember there was a second date, believe it or not.
2) Not A Strip Mall, Sweetie
Not long after the “kidney stone chick”, I met another woman from the same site. She was a Hispanic cutie with perfect skin and a booty that would have made Sir Mix-A-Lot slam on the brakes. She said “sweetie” a lot.
I hadn’t learned the part about not taking women to expensive dinners on first dates yet, so there were at one of the nicer sushi joints in San Antonio.
She was terrific. She was intelligent and loved to laugh. Above and beyond that, she was a great flirt. Clearly she was digging me.
We had ordered two glasses of red wine, and conversation turned to what she did for a living.
“So you stated you had been ‘self-employed’. What precisely do you do?”, I asked.
While she answered, I took a sip of Merlot. And it was right then that I discovered that all those slapstick “spit takes” you see on old-school comedy sketches are rooted in factual reality.
It took all I had in reserve not to spew grape juice all over everything.
“I run a series of strip golf equipment, Sweetie.”, she had announced matter-of-factly.
Sitting before me was a decidedly classy woman, who I had picked up from a decent home in a nice neighborhood.
“You imply, like a strip mall…proper…with the nail salons, a tanning place and a Chinese restaurant.”
“No, foolish! LOL! I imply like…you realize…strip golf equipment. The type with women.”
Now if you know my style at all by now, you already realize the date was as good as over.
Yet, it was like a train wreck. I couldn’t look away.
And I asked the inevitable question.
“Yes, effectively…my ex ran the day-to-day operations and I just about dealt with the books. But he let the ‘interview course of’ go a bit too far too usually, and I could not belief him anymore. I received the enterprise within the divorce settlement.”
It was then, I told her the truth.
“I’ve by no means been to a kind of locations in my life, and I see no cause to begin now.”
I may has well have lit a roman candle. That chick practically attacked me as soon as we left the restaurant. I tried to handle things as best as I knew how at the time, but let’s just say she wasn’t a happy camper.
When I got home, she had already e-mailed me the buck-naked pics from her “Adult Friend Finder” profile (which was my first introduction to that particular reality). “This is what you missed out on. GOOD LUCK!!!” was the only line accompanying the pics.
3) June Carter Cash Or Charge
I should have known better, considering the one pic she had attached to her profile was a blurry one.
And in my heart of hearts, I really did know better. Suspecting this particular date may not go so well, I invited her to dinner (yeah, yeah…hardheaded wasn’t I?) at 5.30p.
I walked into the Chili’s or TGIFridays or whatever it was, and immediately got that nauseous feeling that every single online dater experiences at one point or another. Specifically, the one where you see someone waiting alone at a table over there who vaguely resembles the person you were expecting to meet about as much as a piece of burnt toast resembles the perfectly good slice of bread you threw in the toaster and forgot about.
My honest-to-goodness first thought was, “OMG…who changed the lady with the great smile within the profile with June Carter Cash!”
I was too much of a “Mr. Nice Guy” to turn tail and skip town immediately, so I gathered my intestinal fortitude and approached the table.
Conversation was stilted from the very beginning. She began to make a feeble attempt at flirting.
The woman was at least 55 years old. And not a very attractive 55-year-old at that.
She was dressed in solid black stuff with lots of stainless steel crap and fringes on it, like she was some dust-farting legend from “The Grand Ole’ Opry” or something.
The thickness of her Texas accent was eclipsed only by the thickness of her black eyeliner.
Finally, she excused herself to the ladies room, offering me a blessed reprieve from impending regurgitation.
It was then the waiter came to the table asking me if I wanted another beer. “NO!” I proclaimed, soon apologizing for the brusque tone neither he nor I had anticipated.
“OK, um…how about your mother?
“Would your mom like another beer?”
Suddenly reminded that one should take oneself a lot much less critically in an effort to derive the best enjoyment out of life, I burst out laughing.
I used to be nonetheless recovering when Mrs. Cash returned to the desk.
Having ordered a small backyard salad (in spite of everything, who may eat?), my focus just about turned to saying as little as doable in hopes that she would end consuming.
I had already referred to as for the test and ended up excusing myself to go discover the waiter and pay it, already.
Finally, leaving, I parted methods together with her on the desk and wished her effectively. There was no approach I used to be going to danger the awkwardness of strolling her to her automobile. My inherent sense of chivalry was in actual fact overwhelmed by utter disgust, with out apology.
Arriving residence on the superior hour of 6:30, I used to be greeted as soon as once more by a “post date” e-mail. In her vitriolic message to me, Mrs. Cash had “charged” me with a collection of offenses that clearly roused her deepest sense of harm and anger. Among the extra significantly hilarious ones was the pronouncement that I used to be “obviously gay” as a result of I did not see her as enticing.
Were she the final girl on earth, she might have been proper about that.
Incidentally, I lastly discovered my lesson and give up that individual courting web site…eternally.
4) Cook For Your Drunk
She was a really cute kindergarten instructor of Lebanese ethnicity. She was additionally a complete sweetheart. Realizing her pics persistently received 9.5s on SizzlingOrNot.com, I threw the cube and let her come to my place so I may prepare dinner for her.
There had been no disappointments. She was precisely my kind. And she was already being sensitive/feelie/smiley sufficient that I knew this was going to go rather well.
I combined her an “Apple tini”.
“Oh my! This is GOOOD!” she stated. Noticing her glass was empty, I refreshed it for her.
The glass was empty once more the subsequent time I seemed over at her. Right then, making eye contact together with her, she disregarded to me, threw her arms round my neck and began biting me with a giggle.
This chick was maybe 110 kilos with a full tank of gas. (in different phrases, she was in all probability 110 kilos at that second). So I made a decision possibly two drinks had been sufficient.
But however, after I wasn’t paying consideration she had discovered some raspberry stuff in my stash and had begun mixing vodka with it.
Ten minutes later, dinner was completed…and it was spectacular, if I’ll say so myself.
But she was nowhere to be discovered.
It was then I remembered she had excused herself to the toilet.
I went to test on her and he or she had vomited (fortunately with tremendously correct purpose) into the commode, and was presently handed out on the ground. Whatever.
Managing to wake her up, her groggy self agreed to let me carry her to the bed room and let her sleep it off…which she did.
I ate dinner alone, watching Sports Center. The Spurs had misplaced, no much less.
She awakened 8 hours later, discovered me asleep on the sofa, and had made me breakfast by the point I awakened. It was a fantastic breakfast. She clearly had a way that I used to be a person whom she may really feel secure with. There was a second date.
Obviously, I discovered some issues from my early online dating misadventures. My night with he Lebanese cutie really occurred about six months earlier than I met Emily, in order that solely proves you got to keep in your toes always. Actually, that one was in all probability much less of an “online dating catastrophe” per se and extra of a difficulty of guarding my liquor stash from pent-up faculty lecturers!